journal pieces ~ vipassana reflection
"March 1st, Onalaska, Washington: I love these languid afternoons. We servers have such a full schedule throughout the day, prepping and cooking and cleaning for every meal. After lunch I've been walking the servers path around the property, and then returning here to our bright dining space with my notebook and pen. And today a cup of coffee and apple crisp. Boy is the food ever good. I was supposed to leave today but will instead be leaving tomorrow afternoon, exactly four months after first arriving here at the Northwest Vipassana Centre as a student. What an amazing winter I've had. I was out beneath the trees earlier, thanking the Universe and it's Creator for the beautiful journey I have had in the States, and within myself. I feel I am returning to Canada so refreshed, recharged. Full of love and an inspired exuberance I hope I can fuel throughout the year. I have learned so much, and am excited to live my life in tune with this new found (and earned) wisdom. There's nothing I want to do more than create, and exude love into every aspect of my life. I am so proud of myself - for enduring and working through the heavy and dark storms over the last two years, on my own. Discovering and relying on the strength within me, having constant and persistent patience during the toughest of times, gaining and using the wisdom I continuously attained. "This too shall pass" was my mantra, and it's so comforting to know the truth in that phrase. I made myself an island, wanting and needing to know if I would be okay one day if I wound up totally alone. My island became more and more isolated until I found myself wondering if the whole endeavour was a big mistake. In the midst of the deepest, darkest times it was hard to tell, but now I really am grateful for it all. I know that I will always be okay, because so long as I am alive I will always have myself. It wasn't easy, here in my early twenties, so unsure and uneasy moving through such dense times with no support from family or councillors and really no friends who fully understood... but how could they have? I hardly understood it myself. It worked out though, it always does. Enduring it alone helped me grow in so many ways with a reliable and genuine strength that's now so deeply rooted I feel it an intrinsic part of who I am. It's so refreshing to finally finally be stepping out the other side and feeling that the habits of self-hate and vicious self-criticism have fallen away with the past. It will no doubt be a continued process, acting and thinking with constant self-love, but I feel now that that is something I can and will do. Only love lifts us up and propels us forwards! And it is high time I stood up and began stepping into and towards my magical, inspired future."
